


You Don't Have to Earn It

by faintingviolet



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Athena Grant and Bobby Nash are Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parents, Eddie and Buck talk, Family feelings, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Missing Scene, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Pre-Relationship, Protective Bobby Nash, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), The conversations we needed, Using their therapy, episode s04e06, i know i was surprised too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:55:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29909019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faintingviolet/pseuds/faintingviolet
Summary: Missing/Insert scenes from What's Your Grievance/Buck Begins leading into Jinx. POV Eddie and Bobby, the people who love Buck see him struggling and take what opportunities that present themselves to remind him that he is known, that he is loved.~~~It had taken more patience than Bobby had exerted in several years to not go rushing into Buck’s family drama that week. He had known something was wrong: Buck had been too apprehensive about his parents visit, worried enough to have emergency therapy appointments for de-escalation techniques while in the firehouse. Eddie had looked as confused and concerned as Bobby felt. Chim had known something for days that had literally caused him to flee from them across the loft and down the pole, but Hen was clueless, which was unheard of. Bobby had begun preparing himself for something big.Eddie wished Buck had come to him the night he had screamed “love me anyway” at his parents and stormed out. He had done everything he could, monitoring Buck’s behavior, staying with him at the punching bag, stopping him when he was about to go too far. And then when there was nothing else to do, he had walked away to let Buck finish processing on his own, never too far away.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parents & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 153
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	You Don't Have to Earn It

Eddie wished that Buck would have come to him the night he had screamed “love me anyway” at his parents and stormed out of Maddie and Chim’s place. He had done everything he could the next day, monitoring Buck’s behavior, staying with him at the punching bag, stopping him when he was about to go too far. He’d reminded Buck of his own mistakes, and then when there was nothing else to do, he had walked away to let Buck finish processing on his own, never too far away.

He did it all because he was pretty sure he was in love with Buck. He could admit it to himself, that it was lurking there unexplored, and like most of his emotions he showed it through actions. He wasn’t sure at this point what else to do with these feelings, they were still something that needed unpacking.

But he really wished Buck had just come to him when he needed… whatever it was he needed right now. Comfort. A shoulder to cry on. Something to rage at. Whatever he needed Eddie wanted to be the one he came to for it because before anything else Buck was his best friend.

Fortunately, or not, Eddie got his wish much sooner than he had anticipated.

Buck stormed into Eddie’s house. Eddie had been down the hall, but he’d heard the door open and slam, knowing it could only be a handful of people anyway but the heavy-footed stomping through the dining room and into the living room let him know exactly who it was before he heard his own name being yelled.

“Eddie!”

“I’m right here, Buck. What’s going on? What did my door do to piss you off?”

“Is Christopher home?”

“He’s out with Pepa and Abuela for the afternoon. Again, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

The Buck shaped storm cloud moved into the kitchen, slamming open a cabinet, banging it closed after taking down a glass. Pulling open the refrigerator with more force than strictly necessary, closing it again with the same amount. Eddie watched from the doorway as Buck spun on his heel with the glass in one hand and the carton of juice in the other and saw the moment that Buck caught the glass on the counter, and it knocked out of his hand, crashing to the floor, breaking.

There was a moment of silence before Buck erupted again.

“Why the fuck do you have actual glasses, Eddie? Chris could get hurt.”

Eddie took a deep breath and counted down from five before answering, whatever was causing this mood in Buck – a mood rarely seen – was making him lash out and Eddie wouldn’t let himself get pulled in.

“Because I’m an adult who can have whatever kind of glasses I want and he needs to learn to be careful. Like you, apparently.”

Buck shot him a look that would cause a lesser person to step back under its force, but Eddie held firm. He could bear it. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s. Wrong.” Eddie hears the carton slammed down on the counter to punctuate but keeps his eyes steady on Buck.

“Don’t lie to me. Dodge, postpone... But don’t fucking lie.”

Rage distorted Buck’s face. He stood stock still, but Eddie could see him fighting for control, and losing.

“Fuck it. I’m leaving.”

“You aren’t.”

“You really going to stop me?” Buck struck a signature cocky look, his eyebrow placed just so. Another version of Buck Eddie rarely saw. If it was possible to be more concerned in the moment, that would do it.

“You are absolutely not leaving me with broken glass all over the floor and not telling me what the hell is going on. Not an option.” Eddie was certainly not letting Buck out of his sight, not when he was acting like this. Something had happened, and it was bad. He would wait Buck out.

“I’ll clean up the fucking broken glass before I leave. Move.”

Buck motioned for him to step aside from the doorway so he could go to the closet where the broom and dustpan were stored, but Eddie held his ground. Buck tried to push past in the narrow space between Eddie and the door frame and Eddie shot his arm out, much the way he did with the punching bag earlier.

“Tell me what happened.”

Buck gave a half-hearted push against Eddie’s arm before stepping slightly back, “I didn’t come here to talk about it.”

“Then why are you here?” It was kindly asked, cutting through the tension crackling between them.

“Because I don’t want to be alone, alright?”

“Yes,” Eddie stepped back, “but can you please be nicer to my stuff until you are ready to talk about it?” Eddie had spent years studying Buck, could tell his mood from the smallest change in his musculature. He knew he was seeing Buck try to regain control, to put the anger somewhere else. Progress.

“Fine.” Buck blew out a breath and huffed past Eddie down to the hall closet.

He stopped before opening the door and handled it more carefully than Eddie had seen him treat anything since he entered the house. When Buck returned to the kitchen, he didn’t spare Eddie a glance.

“Not yet, Eddie, I don’t know when.” He said instead, quietly.

“Okay. I’m going back to doing laundry then. You know where everything is, keep yourself busy however you want.” Eddie started to walk away, then thought better of it and came back the doorway.

“It is okay, you know. Seriously, come find me when you’re ready. Even if you just don’t want to be alone in a room. I won’t push it, I promise.”

Buck did turn to face him then, casting a quick look over his shoulder, and nodded once in affirmation. Buck had stopped raging and Eddie could see the pain in his eyes fully, the sadness, the loneliness.

Knocking twice against the doorframe before he turned to go, Eddie said a very quiet but emphatic “I’m here,” to match the mood he saw on Buck’s face and headed off to keep himself busy and give Buck space.

It took about 15 minutes, but Buck did make his way to where Eddie was and over the course of the next two hours found something to do in whatever space Eddie was in. Eddie almost drew the line at cleaning his bathroom when Buck pulled out the cleaning supplies but a hushed, “Just let me, okay?”, had him meeting the other man’s eyes in the mirror and nodding. Eddie went back to putting away clean laundry and remaking the beds.

“What do you want to do for dinner?” While they’d been in close physical proximity, they had said perhaps a dozen words to each other since Eddie walked away from the kitchen. With anyone else there would have been tension in that much quiet, but Eddie had put on some music after the first half hour and just gone with it, comfortable with Buck even when Buck wasn’t comfortable with himself.

“Will Christopher be home?”

“Yep,” Eddie double checked his watch, “Abuela is dropping him off in about a half hour,”.

“What were you going to do?”

“I have some chicken; I was going to do something with it. Don’t know what really.”

“I’ll cook. Let me go see what you have to work with.”

“Buck, you don’t have to.”

“I want to,” and with that Buck was wandering into the kitchen, carefully going through the refrigerator and pantry to concoct that evening’s dinner. While he was still too quiet and guarded for Eddie’s liking this was much closer to the Buck he was used to having around.

Things were almost normal once Christopher was home, Buck sliding on the mask of _okay_ that Eddie had learned to recognize too easily over the past few days. Eddie felt himself be pushed to the edges of the night, letting Christopher’s innate goodness soothe Buck’s disquiet with hopes that _their_ Buck would make a reappearance soon. After Christopher was in bed though, withdrawn Buck was back.

“I’ll be going.”

“Why?”

“You’ve probably had enough of me.”

“Never, Buck.”

That hit the nerve that Buck had been trying so hard to hide all day. Eddie watched as a string of emotions ran across Buck’s face, and before he had a chance to react Buck was backing Eddie against a wall one hand sneaking under his shirt at his waist while the other cradled his face and Buck was kissing him.

Buck was _kissing_ him.

Eddie kissed him back, letting himself sink into the sensations of Buck’s thumb tracing just above his waistband, fingers of his other hand gently scratching in his hair, and most of all his lips as they slotted against his own and gently coaxed them open. It took everything he had to pull back, to put a bit of distance between them, something he found he didn’t want to be doing in the moment, which was in and of itself a small shock, but knew he needed to.

He left his hands where they were on Buck’s shoulders, gently squeezing.

“Hey, hang on a second.”

Eddie watched as Buck immediately closed himself off, it was as if shutters closed over his eyes, the light was gone.

“Forget it.” Buck started to pull back physically as well and dropped his hands from where they were holding onto Eddie.

Eddie held on tighter, stepping forward as Buck stepped back.

“Buck, I’m saying wait. I’m not turning you away. Ever.” Eddie determinedly maintained eye contact while sliding his right hand along Buck’s clavicle to the juncture of his shoulder and neck, running his thumb along Buck’s pulse point, as he had many times before when comforting Buck.

Buck stared at him, offering no further comment, but also not pulling away further.

“You told me that Dr. Copeland was working with you on being honest about how you’re feeling. This feels like you’re using one emotion to hide the others, and I’m not comfortable with that.”

“I’m not hiding behind kissing you.” Eddie noticed the slight blush on Buck’s face, and how his eyes darted away.

“But you were doing something.”

“I just… the idea of you never getting tired of me, even when I’m like this,” he gestures to encompass himself, “I just couldn’t not anymore.” _Anymore_. In that moment Eddie learned he wasn’t alone in whatever this was.

“Okay.” He leaned in and kissed Buck, chastely before backing up again, letting go this time. He trusted that Buck was telling him the truth, but this wasn’t the time for any of this. Buck was too fragile, not necessarily choosing his actions for the best of reasons and Eddie wasn’t in a much better place.

“What was that for?”

“I wanted to, too.” But he did deserve to know he was wanted, even if Eddie didn’t know what to do with that want.

Buck smiled, in his lopsided way, and Eddie was relieved. They would survive this.

“There you are. I’ve been missing you all night.”

Buck’s smile faltered for just a second, and next thing Eddie knew Buck pulled him into a hug, tucking his head into the crook of Eddie’s shoulder. All Eddie can think to do is hold Buck close, rocking back and forth ever so slightly while rubbing his back and kissing the side of his head as he feels Buck’s tears absorb into his shirt. They stood like that for a bit before Buck started to calm down again and Eddie asked the same question that he’d been trying to get an answer to since Buck arrived at the house like a thunderstorm.

“Buck, what happened today when you left the station?”

There was a pause where Eddie wasn’t sure if Buck was going to manage to get the words out, he watched the other man struggle to formulate whatever it was. But he was patient, he would wait.

“We had a brother. They lied to me my whole life, Eddie.”

Eddie only felt more confused.

“Who lied?”

“Maddie, my parents. He had leukemia. They had me hoping for a marrow match, but it wasn’t enough. He died anyway. They never told me. They never wanted _me_ Eddie. They wanted to save _him_.”

Eddie mourned immediately for the little boy that died, but the rest of him was angry for the damage the lies and the withholding had done to Buck. He held him that much tighter, comforting him as best he could.

“I’m so sorry, Buck. How did you find out?”

“I felt like I should talk to Maddie, so I went to hers. When I was there I found his picture in her baby box.”

Eddie can feel Buck holding back, holding some part of what happened in, but he can understand the broad strokes. Eddie places another kiss on the side of Buck’s head and starts to unwind himself from Buck, only to have Buck pull him back in tightly, not ready to let go.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.” He went back to rubbing Buck’s back. “I was just thinking we should sit maybe. Will you stay tonight?”

This gets Buck to pull back and look him in the eyes, confusion pulling his eyebrows together, hesitation on his tall frame.

“Eddie…”

“Just…” Eddie sighed, suddenly aware of his exhaustion and wanting his bed, “come lay down. It has been a long day and I don’t want you to go. I want you where I can see you, okay? So, will you stay?”

Buck nodded. Eddie separated them again and headed down the hall. They spoke quietly about everything that wasn’t what had just transpired before tiredness carried Buck off to sleep, leaving Eddie hopeful the worst of the storm had passed.

He was wrong.

Eddie woke the next morning to an empty bed and no sign of Buck in the house. He found a note tucked next to the coffee pot, _I’ll see you at work, needed to go home for a bit._ Eddie didn’t know what to make of it, really. He had comforted Buck the best he knew how, but apparently Buck didn’t want to face him this morning. He also hadn’t made reference to the kisses from the night before. Eddie knew he shouldn’t have expected Buck to talk about it in a note, especially since it hadn’t happened again, and hoped that it was just that he wanted to get ready for work in his own space before facing their coworkers and nothing was wrong between them.

When he got to work, he found Buck in the loft talking to Hen and Bobby, and he didn’t like what he was seeing or hearing. Buck had that cocky, self-deprecating body language and tone that Eddie hated, and while Buck had started off telling stories about how he had been a bit reckless as a kid, focused on getting his parents’ attention, it quickly turned darker. Eddie was torn between being glad that Buck was telling Bobby and Hen what he had found out but horrified at the way he was delivering it.

“They never wanted another kid. They had me for parts. Defective parts, as it turns out.’

“Hey, that’s not on you.” Eddie caught Buck’s eye, while hearing his own voice stutter with emotion, trying to get Buck to hear the _there’s nothing wrong with you_ he’d left unsaid, for fear of what else he’d say if he tried _._

“I doubt they would agree.” Eddie was bit devastated that they were back here, that whatever he thought they had accomplished last night hadn’t kept Buck from spiraling back here. At a loss Eddie looked over to Hen and Bobby, hoping to see something on their faces to reassure him. They looked equally as concerned at what they were hearing, and how Buck was saying it, as he did.

“Have you talked to them about it?” Bobby tried, and Eddie saw him holding back his own opinions on what was kept from Buck back by force of will, hands folded together on the table, body language artificially relaxed – the tension was there if you knew to look for it.

“What am I gonna say? Hey, I’m really sorry about your dead son, but can we just talk about me for a minute?

“Daniel wasn’t their only son,” Hen saw the look Bobby and Eddie share across the table and her big sister instincts kick into overdrive, “You matter too, Buck.”

“Sure. Just not to them.” And to Eddie that’s the part that makes him want to get up from the table and drag Buck back home, back to last night and hold him close and show him just how much he matters to him, to Maddie, to the 118 and how much more he deserved from his parents who let him think that he didn’t matter to them, and how absolutely none of that was his fault. Or his responsibility.

But that couldn’t happen right then, and it only got worse when Chim arrived asking Buck to talk privately and Buck refused, saying that they had all already heard the story and maligning Maddie in the process. Eddie felt his face fall, knowing that his disappointment in how Buck was acting, because it was not good for Buck, showed clearly on his face. It was going to be a very long day.

It had taken more patience than Bobby had exerted in several years to not go rushing into Buck’s family drama that week. Even before Buck had unloaded to them in the loft after Maddie’s revelations, he had known something was wrong. Buck had been too apprehensive about his parents visit, worried enough to have emergency therapy appointments for de-escalation techniques while in the firehouse. Bobby had tried to gently probe Eddie for any information, but it was quickly clear that very little was being shared and certainly no specifics. Eddie had looked as confused and concerned as Bobby felt. Chim had known _something_ for days that had literally caused him to flee from them across the loft and down the pole, but Hen was clueless, which was unheard of in that friendship.

Bobby had begun preparing himself for something big. The Kid was going to need them, whatever it turned out to be. He took his worries home with him, talking it all over with Athena. They didn’t discuss it often, but Buck was born around the time Athena would have married Emmett, and just a couple years older than Robert Jr. It added a dimension to their relationship to Buck, an awareness.

No amount of preparation had been sufficient, though, for how devastated his parents visit and learning about the details surrounding his birth and the death of a brother he had not known existed had left Buck. Bobby remained on guard, keeping a vigilant but quiet eye. As details crept to the surface so much of their past interactions, of Buck’s intense need for approval; his reckless, sometimes self-destructive behaviors made more sense. Bobby felt he could put the pieces together a little better than he had been able to before.

Despite his preferences Bobby had made the choice to keep Eddie and Buck on separate teams for a few days, he couldn’t risk them following each other into hasty choices, he needed Eddie in a place to respond when Buck needed them, not next to him having to navigate Buck’s volatile moods. He didn’t know if the pair had had the discussion yet about their relationship which seemed inevitable, but he saw how hard Eddie was working to be a voice of calm reassurance during this time, to be the safe place Buck could turn to. He desperately wanted to preserve that dynamic for them.

Which led to Bobby and Eddie exiting the fully engulfed factory together, looking for Buck and finding him missing, hearing him call in his position, and watching from the outside as an explosion spread through that very area. They, along with Hen and Chim, had done the only thing there was to do – go and get Buck. Bobby would remember the sound of Buck’s defeated screams for a long time, and the relief that overtook him when he realized they were there.

The warehouse fire took an extra something out of Eddie. Bobby had kept him and Buck separated, again, and he didn’t know why. Buck went after the last victim alone, and once they had gotten an idea of where he might be there was an explosion. Calm had settled over him, Eddie recognized it after all these years as his body’s response to stress. They’d gone in to get him (because of course they were always going to get him – a comment he would have to deal with later) and he had found Buck without his mask, screaming in defeat while trying to single-handedly lift several hundred pounds of tank off Saleh. He’d gotten to the rope first, seen the relief and hope in Buck’s eyes when the team had pulled the tank off Saleh while Chim pulled him out. Eddie had fought every urge he had, again, to gather Buck close and never let him go. Instead, he did what he always did in these scenarios – his job.

Hen and Bobby saw to Buck while Chim and Eddie took care of Saleh. It made sense; Eddie could see that. Buck wasn’t going to want Chim right now, and Hen would take the best care of Buck possible. Chim needed an extra pair of medically trained hands, and that meant him, while Bobby stayed with Buck as everyone expected that he would. From what they had all learned this week, Bobby really was the best parental figure Buck had, and Eddie saw the other man lean even further into the role, going so far as to radio Athena to come to the scene to be with Buck.

Which meant that Eddie had been nearby passing Saleh off to the ambulance crew who would take him to the hospital while Buck spoke quietly to Hen and Bobby about having given up, and what would have happened if they didn’t come, and Hen reassuring him that they were always coming. He had seen the tears in Buck’s eyes and had to turn away so that he could maintain professional standards, because Saleh was still very much in need of their medical care, even with having Buck’s mask on providing oxygen the last few minutes he was in the building. Which of course meant Buck hadn’t had the oxygen and Eddie darted a quick look over to the O2 meter on Buck’s finger to make sure it was there doing its job before turning back to the task at hand. He heard Athena arrive, and reassure Buck that _being Buck meant never giving up, and to never stop._ He agreed.

It didn’t always fall to Bobby to escort one of his own to be cleared medically after a close call, but there was no way he was letting someone else accompany Buck to the hospital. While he was tired of being on the wrong side of the hospital doors he would never not be with Buck when he needed him to be. It was a difference from the man’s parents which was now sitting with him in a clearer light, one that made him more bitter about all the times they hadn’t come, all the times he and the 118 had stood at bedsides, of all the times his parents had abandoned Buck from his youngest days.

Once they got the all-clear and climbed into the Suburban to head back to the 118 Bobby plugged in his phone and called Athena. He caught the note of concern on Buck’s face as they pulled out of the lot, but didn’t let it stop him, he had promised Athena that they would call as soon as they were on their way back. That had been her stipulation for not meeting them at the hospital.

“So, what’s the prognosis, Buckaroo are you all clear?” Athena’s voice boomed through the speakers.

Buck stared momentarily straight ahead, not expecting to have the question directed at him. “Um, hi Athena. Yeah, I’m good.”

“What exactly did the doctors say?”

“That I had more exposure to smoke than they liked but that all my stats were within normal ranges, no damage to my esophagus or trachea.”

“And no concussion? You said you were knocked out.”

“No concussion. My helmet did its job.”

“Bobby?”

“Yep, I was sitting right there, they weren’t concerned. He really did get a completely clear bill of health.”

Buck turned to look at Bobby, confusion clear on his face. Bobby saw the silent question behind his eyes, the wondering at why he and Athena were talking about him like this.

“Why are you both so quiet? What aren’t you telling me?”

“We’re telling you everything, Buck’s just never heard us talk about him like this before, he’s got a good bit of confusion on his face.”

“You… you guys talk about my medical clearances?”

“Of course, Kid.”

“He also calls me after you do a rope rescue or any time you’ve _Been Buck_ , particularly if it’s going to end up on the news. He knows I like a bit of warning before I see you in harm’s way.”

Bobby was pretty sure Buck caught the inflection Athena used around _being Buck_ , the same as she had when she’d come to talk to him at the ambulance. While Bobby had, for a lack of a better word, stood guard over him. It was soaked through with affection, and care, and a little bit of love.

“Oh,” is all Buck managed to articulate though, Bobby would take it.

“How are you feeling, Buckaroo? Really?”

“I’m just sore, that’s all.”

“Baby, how are you _feeling_? It has been a rough couple of days, we’re worried about you.”

Bobby kept his eyes on the road, focused on keeping his body language relaxed and open. Hoping that not having to look he or Athena in the eyes would allow Buck to open up a little more, let them in, let them help.

“’Thena…” Buck’s voice sounded so small, so broken that Bobby fought the urge to pull over. Instead, he reached across the console and gave Buck’s shoulder a quick squeeze, quickly putting his hand back on the wheel to turn.

“Buckaroo, you can say whatever you need to say. It’s just us now.” They had talked about this, at the scene. That Buck so obviously needed, wanted, to talk through what he was feeling. His hurt, his frustration, his confusion. Therapy had been helping him, they could see it. He was getting better at speaking honestly, at hiding behind sarcasm and empty humor less often, but it was a process, and this was a previously unprecedented amount of turmoil.

“You don’t have to be worried about me.”

“That’s not how this works, Buck. You are our family – we worry. How can we help you right now?”

“You can’t. They lied my whole life and they never wanted me. I failed them before I was speaking in full sentences and they never got past it.”

“That’s on them, Kid, not you. Never you.” Bobby hadn’t intended to jump in, Buck was still on a roll, and they had decided that Athena would lead this conversation. But he couldn’t let Buck think his parent’s failures were his, not a moment longer.

“He’s right.” Athena’s voice was warm and supportive across the line, and Bobby and Buck both knew it well enough to hear that she is tamping down on her own anger. Bobby knows, and hopes Buck does too, that it is her anger at how poorly the Buckleys had treated their living son, how much they had failed he and Maddie both.

“I’ve been alone for a long time, really alone in ways everyone else hasn’t.”

“You aren’t alone anymore. We’re here. You have us. We love you and we’re here for you, always.”

Buck didn’t answer, Bobby thought he was him fighting back tears that are peppering his lash line.

“Baby, did you hear me?”

“Yes” he rasps out.

“And do you believe me?”

“I’m working on it.”

“Well okay then. You can work on it some more at dinner tomorrow. You’re coming to the house; I won’t hear anything else about it. It’ll be the three of us and May, but you need some family time, and your family wants to see you.”

“Athena…”

“I said what I said Buckaroo. Your family wants you at our table. You talk to Maddie today,” Bobby caught Buck rolling his eyes, “I don’t know about that,” at the same time Athena continued, “but you come see us tomorrow. Or I’ll come hunt you down, you know I will.” Bobby decided not to push about Maddie, not right now, it had been tense when she was at the station before the warehouse fire.

“Yeah, I know.”

“You know what?”

“You’ll come hunt me down and make me regret my choices if I don’t show up for dinner tomorrow by 7 pm sharp.”

“Good. I’ll see you then. Honey, I’ll talk to you later, okay? Take care of our boy.”

“You got it; I’ll see you at home in a few hours.”

Athena ended the call leaving Bobby and Buck sitting in the quiet for a few minutes.

“Cap…”

“Really, you aren’t going to call me Pops or Old Man or Bobby right now? Kid, c’mon.”

“Bobby. You don’t have to do this.”

“I know. We know. We aren’t doing anything because we feel like we have to. It’s not the same, but you have Athena and me. You have us Buck, you don’t have to earn it, you don’t have to pretend to be someone you aren’t. You just have to be, well, _Buck_. That’s all you ever have to do.”

Bobby waited while Buck processed. He saw the other man’s mind turning it over, he waited to see him recognize it as truth. He was able to breathe regularly when he saw Buck begin to accept the possibility. It was progress.

“When we were in Texas, I told one of the Austin firefighters, guy named TK, that you might as well be my dad. I meant it, Bobby. You really are more of a dad to me than my father has been.”

“I’m sorry that they weren’t able to see the great kid they have in you, Buck, but I’m glad that you ended up where you belong, here with us.”

They weren’t men who were afraid of their emotions, they’d put in the time learning how to process them, how to speak about them. But it was still a lot, and they could wait to unpack more later, tomorrow. Bobby finished driving the all too familiar route between the hospital and the firehouse relieved.

When Eddie and Chim had arrived back at the station they knew they had a few hours before Buck returned from being taken in for medical clearance. They went about their morning, getting cleaned up and changed, having breakfast. At some point Eddie heard a voice he didn’t recognize greet Chim and call him Howard. He immediately knew he was about to come face to face with Buck’s parents.

Chim looked panicked. Eddie knew he had been dealing with what was likely more than his fair share, getting caught between Maddie and Buck, he was in a terrible position. But Eddie also struggled in that moment to care. These people had hurt Buck, possibly in unrepairable ways. Ways that Buck was going to have to spend a long time coming to terms with, and Chim was now regrettably part of that pain.

“No, unfortunately Evan isn’t here. He needed to go get cleared after our last call. He and the captain should be back soon though.”

“Oh, we were hoping to see him. To…” the woman who must be Buck’s mother started, but didn’t finish her sentence, instead looking towards her husband who seemed equally at a loss. Eddie’s blood boiled; they didn’t even know how to phrase what it was they owed Buck at this moment.

Eddie thought about all the terrible things he could say to them but bit them all back. None of it was going to help Buck, and there was absolutely no way he was going to hurt Buck more in a misguided attempt to defend him from people who didn’t deserve having the energy expended on them. But he also wasn’t going to do nothing.

“Hey Chim, this must be the Buckleys. I’m Eddie Diaz, I work with your son.” _And I might be in love with him._ Eddie’s briefly glad COVID spares him from having to shake hands and he can stay the standard six feet back and put his mask on to cover part of his face, hoping it hid his distaste.

“Oh, hello. It’s nice to meet you. Howard and Maddie have told us about their friends.” Buck’s mother begins and his father nods along, “yes, very nice to meet a friend of our son’s.” Eddie remained unimpressed and could feel Chim staring into the side of his head, silently begging him to be nice. Eddie looked at him and gave him the _I promise to be on my best behavior_ look before inviting the Buckleys up to the loft for coffee while they waited for Buck, if that wass what they’d like to do.

So began twenty of the tensest minutes Eddie had ever spent in the firehouse. He’d heard enough over the past several days to know that these people didn’t truly appreciate what an amazing son they have and hadn’t bothered to know the real him at all. Eddie settled them at the smaller table near with coffee, offered some fruit, and then proceeded, with Chim and whomever he could flag down, to tell stories about Buck. The real Buck, the one who never gave up, the one who spent his entire life working so that other people are cared for, are made safe. He kept some of the most personal things to himself (just how close to complete collapse Buck had been after the tsunami when he thought Christopher was lost) but he gave them broad strokes of their amazing son. When he had said all he cared to, he excused himself and left them with Chim, to wait for Buck’s return. Eddie haunted the side door, knowing that Cap would park there and he wanted to be the first face Buck saw when he got back.

As they pull up in the side yard Bobby noticed Buck spot Eddie a few seconds before he did, standing just inside the open doors, waiting for them. Bobby heard the quick intake of breath from the seat beside him, watched as the man standing in the entryway let his body relax from the military level attention it had been at. He still didn’t know where the two stood with each other, but he knew more than ever that they were aware, even if just subconsciously. He’d be ready.

“Take a minute and talk to him. I’ll give you two some space.”

“Cap, you don’t have to.”

“as your captain I don’t, as Bobby I want to. He’s been waiting to see you’re okay with his own eyes. He’s always calm during the call, but he never really relaxes until he sees for himself that you’ve made it out of whatever scrape you might have gotten yourself into in one piece.”

“Bobby…”

“You don’t have to say it now. But talk to him, he worries more than he lets show.” 

It wasn’t long before Bobby and Buck were exiting the vehicle, Bobby threw a quick “Clean bill of health from the docs” out as he rounded the hood, patted Buck on the shoulder, and headed off towards his office at record speed.

“Glad to hear it” Eddie answered, eyes firmly on Buck now that he’s out of the truck. He looked softer, more tentative than he had at any point in the past 24 hours. Eddie didn’t like it. Once Bobby was clear he changed his own tone.

“Show off.” _You scared me_ remained unsaid.

Buck looked a little bashful. “I had to do it,” and Eddie saw then that he was waiting to be chastised, by Eddie of all people, and that couldn’t stand. So, he dropped his voice into the softer register, the one that Buck usually only heard from Eddie at home with Christopher.

“I know you did.” _Remember I know you, the real you_. _I love you._

Eddie let a beat pass, assessed the man in front of him, checked for injuries that he knows Hen would have caught and that the doctors would have seen to at the hospital. But he had to look for himself, had to examine the look in Buck’s eyes, the tension in his body, for himself. Buck was safe, and whole, and this was the part of the routine where Eddie let himself admit how scared he was, how much this man meant to him, how desperate he was to keep him safe. Once satisfied, Eddie completed the second part of his reason for being at the door when they got back.

“You’ve got visitors.” Shooting a quick look up the stairs to indicate where. Buck caught the change of tone, of demeanor, and knew immediately who Eddie meant, and where. Without saying a word, but conveying his caution with a single raised eyebrow, Buck took a deep breath and turned to go upstairs.

Eddie watched him go. It wasn’t his place to be by Buck’s side for whatever this conversation was going to turn in to. He had done what he could, had said his piece and made it clear to Buck’s parents what the opinions of the people who really knew and loved Buck were. Buck would have to take it from there.

Buck caught up to him later, giving him the briefest of sketches of what had transpired, and Eddie accepted it at face value, and hoped for the best.

“You coming over later?”

Buck looked at him again in that guarded way, and Eddie was reminded of what wasn’t said in yesterday morning’s note.

“We don’t have to deal with anything else right now Buck. That can go back in its box. I’m still not turning you away, I’ll still never be tired of having you around.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to know, hell, I don’t. But don’t let not knowing keep you from coming later, okay? Come over whenever you want. Once Chris is home from school, we’ll be there the rest of the night.”

“Okay. I’m going to go with Chim, to see Maddie. I, uh, I need to talk to her.”

“Makes sense to me. But come home after, alright? Whenever.”

“Yeah, I will.”

Buck showed up at the house in time for dinner, pizza boxes in tow. He had texted Eddie before leaving Maddie’s, telling him his plan and instructing Eddie to not cook. Eddie had just put the things he had been planning to make away, they would hold until the next day.

They had much the same kind of night they had two nights previously, except the Buck with Eddie and Christopher was much more like his usual self. Eddie knew that Christopher had noticed some of the change in Buck’s demeanor, but it was confirmed when he asked Buck if he was feeling better. Buck had chuckled quietly and promised him he was, that his head had been bothering him the other night and now it was feeling much better. Eddie was always impressed at Buck’s ability to answer Chris in a way that he could grasp without worrying him.

Once dinner was cleared Buck asked Christopher if he wanted to look at some pictures that Maddie had given him. Eddie watched as the bag of postcards, letters, and photographs went out on the table and Buck started telling, what Eddie could only assume was a heavily edited version, of the story of the years Buck had spent travelling. Christopher particularly liked the photograph of Buck in the cowboy hat and wanted to know everything Buck would tell him about working as a ranch hand. Eddie was simply stunned at the variety of what he was seeing. Buck had told him stories over the years, in fact Eddie was sure he had heard at least something about most of these stops along Buck’s path from Pennsylvania to the 118, but to see them all on the table was overwhelming.

When Christopher convinced Buck that they could absolutely fit in a quick video game before bed (Buck, to his credit, had looked to Eddie for confirmation before agreeing) Eddie let himself look more closely at the evidence of Buck’s travels. He silently asked for Buck’s permission by holding them up to him before he began reading in Buck’s own words his accounting of his time on the road, putting everything in chronological order, best he could. He was getting a fuller picture of Buck, but he knew there was still plenty left to learn. 

Later when it was just them they sat at the table, sipping slowly on their beers and looking at the timeline of Buck’s early twenties that Eddie had created.

“You really went everywhere, didn’t you?”

“Not everywhere, but yeah, I covered a lot of ground. I didn’t stay in many places very long, obviously.”

“Yeah, some of these seem to be more passing through than anything else. Did she write you back?”

“A couple times. She told me before, when she first came to L.A., that she hadn’t wanted me to try to come back so she hadn’t written much to start, and then she just…”

“Was dealing with Doug.”

“Yeah, she had been, from before she even gave me the Jeep, but he apparently really went after her for that. I could kick myself for not putting that together on my own, for having to wait for Chim to flat out tell me.”

“Hey, you had your own shit, yeah?”

“Yeah. But the past two days I let myself think that she had never really loved me. That she’d been with _them_ not _me_. That it hadn’t really been _us_.”

“Maddie loves you more than anyone on the planet.”

“After Chim.”

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s you, then Chim most days. You will of course be taking second place to their daughter soon, but you’re used to coming in second to cute kids.”

“So are you, Eddie.” At that, Eddie saw what might actually be the first genuine smile he’s seen in several days, and it lifted a weight he hadn’t been aware was sitting on his heart.

“Christopher is stiff competition, it’s true.”

“The toughest.”

The sat quietly for a few minutes, Buck filled in details of some of the places he had been that weren’t appropriate for Christopher. Eventually Eddie gathered everything up and put it all back in the bag, for safekeeping.

“You should frame some of these maybe, put them up on your walls.”

“I’ll think about it. For now, I like knowing that they’re all together, like a diary. I didn’t know she had kept it all, until this afternoon. I’m getting used to the idea that they even still exist.”

Eddie hummed his understanding and was surprised when Buck steered the conversation into more delicate territory.

“About the other thing.”

“What other thing?”

“ _Eddie._ ”

“Oh, that other thing. You want to talk about it?”

“We probably should, right? We kissed each other, right over there.”

“We talk about it when you want to. I’m okay.”

“How can you be okay? I mean, I know how you feel about talking about things but really Eddie.”

“That’s not it. If it was a onetime thing and goes back in the box forever, and things stay as they have been? I still have you as my best friend. If it goes back in the box with the understanding that now is not the time but there might be one, then we move on knowing that if the right time does show up, that it’s possible. But at the end of the day, we’ll be okay.”

“But it definitely goes back in the box?”

“For me, I think it goes back in the box. You’ve got what you’ve got to deal with and I’ve… got my own shit. But I know we can move on from it and nothing bad will happen because it’s _us_. And knowing that? Trusting that? That feels like a win.”

Buck looked worried and hopeful in equal measure. “But what if it’s never the right time?”

“Then nothing changes; you’re my best friend and a member of this family. That doesn’t change Buck, no matter what else might.”

“What happens when we start seeing other people? Eventually we will get our shit together, one way or another. Right?”

“Then yours better like Christopher, if they want any chance of hanging around.”

“Very funny, Eddie.”

“I know. But I also know us well enough to know that anyone who _is_ going to be right for either of us is going to understand our friendship. If they don’t, they aren’t the people for us. So… it’ll be okay.”

“How the hell did you get your brain around all of this? In a day?”

“Because it hasn’t been a day, Buck. It has been six months, of knowing that it felt possible for me. And once that became a thing I knew about myself, and it was news to me, I talked to Frank about it. Without names since he knows you too.”

“You talked about the possibility of you and I, with Frank. In therapy?” Buck blinked at him as if he was seeing a stranger in Eddie’s chair, which Eddie could understand.

“Yes. I did. I talk about moving on from Shannon, and not being ready to, not being over it. So this possibility was part of it. You haven’t talked to Dr. Copeland about it, dating I mean?”

“No, I have. But that’s more recent.”

“And?”

“The gist is I still have a lot to unpack but it isn’t a bad idea.”

“Fair enough.”

“So… what do we do?”

“We wait and see what happens.”

A quiet moment passed as the pair realized that they had successfully had this conversation – a conversation that neither was sure they would ever have. They would see what happened next.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this one for myself, mostly. What conversations did I think would happen if we had seen them? Hopefully you like it as well, comments and kudos always appreciated particularly when I feel like the writing isn't up to snuff but I just can't keep editing, this needed to see the light of day and I needed to be done.


End file.
